Darkness behind the Curtains

Some people may see me as an obsessed Felicia fan, someone who wishes nothing more than to be a fan of this character to the maximum extent possible, and to tell the truth I am. I love everything about Felicia, her personality, her life goals, her figure, her everything. I do…and I always will. But…there is more than that to my connection with Felicia…things that make me lash out against the coupling of Felicia with other characters. It's not a happy tale, and in truth can sound pathetic and sad, but it kept me alive through all these years so YOU can go to hell.

You see…I haven't had exactly what you could call a "Happy" life. I've had a hellish nightmare of a childhood, I had a rough high-school life, little to no support for what it is that I do (Art and drawing in general to be precise) from almost anyone, there almost seemed like no reason…but to be precise…there was one.

You see…I've been a fan of Felicia for a very long time, knowing of her ever since I was seven years old. She was the very first character that I ever used in a fighting game, and I loved cats back then (Still do to be precise, taking care of my cat Tucker, who turned 5 recently and has the same birthday as me, is a joy to me) and after seeing Felicia's arcade ending, I could see she was sweet, warm, kind, and supporting. To me back then…she seemed like that of a mother figure to me, someone who'd be there to wipe my tears away when I was sad and kiss my pain away, something I'd soon learn that I'd need that I didn't have.

When I was eight years old, it was then that the nightmare began. The horrible things said, done, everyday…going on for five more years, even switching schools and having to go back to the same one that started my nightmares, I had no escape. But…thankfully I've been blessed with many things, one of them being a very good imagination and bringing things to life (Why is it that most amazing abilities always come with a serious price to pay?) and doing so…whenever I felt down or abused, I'd imagine that she was there…next to me…hugging me close and kissing my forehead as she whispered in my ear "Everything will be okay Tony." I always believed her too, and it's her embrace that kept me going through all those years, just to know that she'd be there when I needed her, the mother figure I yearned for and the support I never received. I may have left said place with depression and emotional scarring, but I did so alive thanks to her. You could almost call her my Guardian Angel.

But then came high school, where everything changed and I ended up having to go to the same school with the same people, also having to deal with new ones. Her embrace still kept me warm, but at one point I felt as if I'd lost connection to her and that there really was no support, the time that I attempted suicide but ended up failing, the chances of it failing being slim. I then felt to myself…that it was Felicia that saved me, that it was her that was there to save me from the danger of my life. I never looked at Felicia as a mother figure from that day on, but rather a lover who'd be there for her love no matter what, still having the warm embrace, warm kiss and soft reassuring voice, it was all there to me. I never even went close to even trying suicide again, and from that day on I've been happier, much happier.

And that's where the Fan pairings come in. You see…like I just said, I feel as if Felicia has become a part of my life and that her support has been my main escape from my pain. All I can say is that while she isn't real…her embrace is the most realistic, heartwarming and supportive hug I've ever felt…in my entire life. And now…I see many people thinking that Felicia is theirs and pairing them with the worst of choices. It hurts me internally…to feel that they're trying to take her away from me. I'm not asking every single person in the world to stop loving Felicia, but…no…to say anything here is selfish, even if the outcome could end up with another suicide attempt, most likely not failing on me again (For it's hard to fail on slitting your throat).

I understand that I have a serious problem, a problem I'll most likely never recover from but I don't even care if I do or not, for I just want to feel her warm embrace, and due to my mind's not slowing down yet and neither is my imagination, I'll always be able to feel it. Tears will be shed due to others trying to take her away from me…but I guess it's pain that they intentionally try to push on me so I guess I have no choice but to bear with it, knowing I still have her next to me. I don't ask for your pity, I don't ask for your sympathy, I just feel as if this needed to be said, the true reason that I've been so dedicated to this character aside from huge amounts of fandom.

You can say what you want about this…You're crazy, you're insane, blah blah blah. Yes, I'm insane but that's mainly from emotional scarring and a nightmarish childhood. This is what I live through people, it's not happy, knowing your left with memories (BTW, I forgot to mention I've got a really powerful memory, so f***ing bonus there) that I can't ever seem to forget. All I can do is keep my mind sharp, Felicia close to my heart, continue drawing and writing on occasion and just try to at least get through the next 10 years. For those who send their pity, I don't want it. Those who feel for my pain, I thank you…but you can't really feel for me unless you truly go through it myself.

Now you all know the dark secret of the #1 Felicia fan, the truth that I live with and live by everyday until the day I die. Just 2 days ago I ended up having to go to the Hospital for chest pains and shortness of breath. It may have turned out to be nothing short of a panic attack in the end, but the entire time in the hospital, even though my Mother was holding my hand, all I could feel was Felicia holding my other hand in her paw and being beside me every step of the way. I was scared…afraid of death…but her soothing words made me feel better. It was yet another time that she's been there beside me through even the worst. I love you Felicia, I always will and I'll never let anyone take me away from you. I'd never known love like this…and even though she isn't real, the loving bond we share is the strongest one I've ever felt in my life. I thank you for reading and listening to me, for I will say it's not hard to write things like this for I get really emotional.

I thank you for listening…and I hope that the rest of your day is a good one