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Darkness behind the Curtains

Some people may see me as an obsessed Felicia fan, someone who wishes nothing more than to be a fan of this character to the maximum extent possible, and to tell the truth I am. I love everything about Felicia, her personality, her life goals, her figure, her everything. I do…and I always will. But…there is more than that to my connection with Felicia…things that make me lash out against the coupling of Felicia with other characters. It's not a happy tale, and in truth can sound pathetic and sad, but it kept me alive through all these years so YOU can go to hell.

You see…I haven't had exactly what you could call a "Happy" life. I've had a hellish nightmare of a childhood, I had a rough high-school life, little to no support for what it is that I do (Art and drawing in general to be precise) from almost anyone, there almost seemed like no reason…but to be precise…there was one.

You see…I've been a fan of Felicia for a very long time, knowing of her ever since I was seven years old. She was the very first character that I ever used in a fighting game, and I loved cats back then (Still do to be precise, taking care of my cat Tucker, who turned 5 recently and has the same birthday as me, is a joy to me) and after seeing Felicia's arcade ending, I could see she was sweet, warm, kind, and supporting. To me back then…she seemed like that of a mother figure to me, someone who'd be there to wipe my tears away when I was sad and kiss my pain away, something I'd soon learn that I'd need that I didn't have.

When I was eight years old, it was then that the nightmare began. The horrible things said, done, everyday…going on for five more years, even switching schools and having to go back to the same one that started my nightmares, I had no escape. But…thankfully I've been blessed with many things, one of them being a very good imagination and bringing things to life (Why is it that most amazing abilities always come with a serious price to pay?) and doing so…whenever I felt down or abused, I'd imagine that she was there…next to me…hugging me close and kissing my forehead as she whispered in my ear "Everything will be okay Tony." I always believed her too, and it's her embrace that kept me going through all those years, just to know that she'd be there when I needed her, the mother figure I yearned for and the support I never received. I may have left said place with depression and emotional scarring, but I did so alive thanks to her. You could almost call her my Guardian Angel.

But then came high school, where everything changed and I ended up having to go to the same school with the same people, also having to deal with new ones. Her embrace still kept me warm, but at one point I felt as if I'd lost connection to her and that there really was no support, the time that I attempted suicide but ended up failing, the chances of it failing being slim. I then felt to myself…that it was Felicia that saved me, that it was her that was there to save me from the danger of my life. I never looked at Felicia as a mother figure from that day on, but rather a lover who'd be there for her love no matter what, still having the warm embrace, warm kiss and soft reassuring voice, it was all there to me. I never even went close to even trying suicide again, and from that day on I've been happier, much happier.

And that's where the Fan pairings come in. You see…like I just said, I feel as if Felicia has become a part of my life and that her support has been my main escape from my pain. All I can say is that while she isn't real…her embrace is the most realistic, heartwarming and supportive hug I've ever felt…in my entire life. And now…I see many people thinking that Felicia is theirs and pairing them with the worst of choices. It hurts me internally…to feel that they're trying to take her away from me. I'm not asking every single person in the world to stop loving Felicia, but…no…to say anything here is selfish, even if the outcome could end up with another suicide attempt, most likely not failing on me again (For it's hard to fail on slitting your throat).

I understand that I have a serious problem, a problem I'll most likely never recover from but I don't even care if I do or not, for I just want to feel her warm embrace, and due to my mind's not slowing down yet and neither is my imagination, I'll always be able to feel it. Tears will be shed due to others trying to take her away from me…but I guess it's pain that they intentionally try to push on me so I guess I have no choice but to bear with it, knowing I still have her next to me. I don't ask for your pity, I don't ask for your sympathy, I just feel as if this needed to be said, the true reason that I've been so dedicated to this character aside from huge amounts of fandom.

You can say what you want about this…You're crazy, you're insane, blah blah blah. Yes, I'm insane but that's mainly from emotional scarring and a nightmarish childhood. This is what I live through people, it's not happy, knowing your left with memories (BTW, I forgot to mention I've got a really powerful memory, so f***ing bonus there) that I can't ever seem to forget. All I can do is keep my mind sharp, Felicia close to my heart, continue drawing and writing on occasion and just try to at least get through the next 10 years. For those who send their pity, I don't want it. Those who feel for my pain, I thank you…but you can't really feel for me unless you truly go through it myself.

Now you all know the dark secret of the #1 Felicia fan, the truth that I live with and live by everyday until the day I die. Just 2 days ago I ended up having to go to the Hospital for chest pains and shortness of breath. It may have turned out to be nothing short of a panic attack in the end, but the entire time in the hospital, even though my Mother was holding my hand, all I could feel was Felicia holding my other hand in her paw and being beside me every step of the way. I was scared…afraid of death…but her soothing words made me feel better. It was yet another time that she's been there beside me through even the worst. I love you Felicia, I always will and I'll never let anyone take me away from you. I'd never known love like this…and even though she isn't real, the loving bond we share is the strongest one I've ever felt in my life. I thank you for reading and listening to me, for I will say it's not hard to write things like this for I get really emotional.

I thank you for listening…and I hope that the rest of your day is a good one
Look...allow me to expain that I hardly ever come out with things that involve my emotions, but I couldn't keep this contained. This had to be known, think of it as reaching out to those who don't understand my situation. :aww:

I've been told to talk openly to more people, and while my Family would most likely contain me if I told them, I know you guys will support me and the things I feel everyday. :aww:

Thank you all for listening, and I hope you all have a nice day. :aww:
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PoorlyDone Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2012
Hm, okay. I feel ya. Well, time for me to get back to working on that Felicia sex fic I was working on, in which she's paired with a pathetically fragile, wangsty PAB who doesn't know what stress is.


In all honesty, I really do feel where you're coming from with this. I myself had a horrible childhood, but I don't make up imaginary friends. Even so, I understand where you're coming from.

Although, you might want to talk to a psychologist about this. Not trying to be a dick, but I'm just sayin'.
Hotfeet444 Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Do I need to reply to ANY of this?
PoorlyDone Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2012
You can if you
The-Victor-Catbox Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2011  Student General Artist
I honestly cannot tell you how moved I am by this...
I'm speechless. Now I see why Felicia is the girl you keep closest to you. :nod:
But I'm really sorry about all those pains you went through. :worry: Makes me wish there was something I could do to set things right. :pray:
Oh and about your request, I've got some new Felicia drawings I'm sure you'll like! :D

BTW, you ever get that feeling that when you draw different stuff but suddenly start drawing Felicia, you only wanna' draw her more and more and more and MORE?! :iconyayzplz:

Just asking since I made several new pics of Felicia. ^^;
AF4E Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011
Dude, there's a reason why we are called fans... its short for FANtastic!

We aren't crazy, the ones who act on those impulses are the crazy ones. Besides... if we had the same powers our icons/OCs had, you think we'd be any different...? NOPE.

On the part of pairing Felicia with someone, that's a fan thing and everyone knows it... hell, even I haven't made the Felicia/OC thing I got going on serious. Just something called a "plot device".
BassBX Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Student Writer
You arent crazy dude! You're my friend and will always have my support!
NapalmManexe Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011
You've never been crazy to me dude. :D You have to do what you need to in order to keep from breaking.

After reading this I see why you hold onto her so much. :) Even though she's not real, it's doing things like imagining that she is really there helps situations feel better. I gotta admit, I do the same with Mayreen and Rahbie. X3

Thanks for sharing dude. :aww: None of us are crazy. We just cope with life in a different way, and that way has ears, a tail, sexy body, and a cute kitty face.~ :meow:
DestinyDecade Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You ain't crazy to me. You're awesome for doing this. Though it'd be kind of cute to see you and Felicia marry. Just my thoughts. Nice job.
NetGreen123 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awwww (Smiles) I understand now, Tony. Felicia not just a Crush for you, she truly is you warrior angel.
Steelteeth13 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Professional Writer
Tony, you told me this the very first time and I was the only one you told me about this. Some reason I was glad I dug deeper as you're friend and understand why you were so close to her. I know why you love her so much and I can accept this and move on. See you happy just makes me happy and that's all I care about my friend. Do granted we have run-in-the-mill-life's. We can both move on and both be happy for who we got for support. :aww: Now, if anyone tries telling you that you can't have you. They have no fucking fight at all do so, they still can't with stand you're pain. They can't stand ours or anyone else. I'll back you up 100% if it's a right reason. But if it's something bullshit I hope you can understand. :aww: I mean it does pain me a little to see you with Felicia but I guess true happiness lies with in the heart from where I see it. :aww: I'm just glad to think she would be happy with one of my Best Friends, no wait the true best friend I got. :aww: You keep going on how you love her and never let anyone take her away from you Tony. :aww:

You're best friend Joe. :peace:
sfxanima Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011
hey man thanks for sharing and I know how it feels to be alone I may have had (and still have) a loving family but I had major issue with my mom for many years and I never had really any friends in school I mostly stayed quiet and played my video games I found a way to channel my emotions of anger, sadness, or whatever through my martial arts training and it worked wonders anytime I had a problem I took time and ran a routine but anyways I know how painful it feels and as I've said before if you ever need anyone to talk to I'm always here so best of luck to ya
Refugnic Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
*Ahem*...I may not be able to fully understand what you've been going through.

But I'm not going to call you insane either.
When I was younger, I had fantasy friends too. A whole lot of them (lack of real ones).

I talked to them and listened to them.
Even today...when I'm alone...I can sometimes hear their voices. I am aware they are merely my imagination...but they help me pass the time and the loneliness.

Regarding your coupling problem, I have good news for you. You don't have to be jealous. you describe one of a kind...and, she's yours alone. No matter who others couple her up with, it's not YOUR Felicia they're messing with but theirs.

The picture and name are merely templates...everyone can have their own edition.

Unlike 'real' humans, imaginatory characters aren't a limited resource where there can be only one and no other.

I'm not trying to mock you here...but if you should happen to find warmth in the arms of another made of flesh...I'm pretty sure Felicia is willing to let you go.
Hotfeet444 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What I'm going through is that I suffer from a heavy level of Depression, have serious emotional scars from a very bad childhood and High School life and literally had all chances at happiness sucked out of my life due to various reasons. Hardly anything makes me happy anymore.~

I'm not jealous at all, I feel pain from it, no jealousy. And I thank you for your kind words. :aww:

And don't worry about me finding a girl, I've already pretty much accepted the fact that no girl wants me, I'll die alone (Most likely at a young age) and that the only real embrace I'll feel is Felicia's, and I'm okay with it just as long as I have her. My Childhood/High School life ruined all my chances of learning how to even get a girlfriend, so if I tried I'd just be a soldier walking out to war with a Toy Gun. But I'll be fine...I've always managed alone and I can keep going. :aww:
Refugnic Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh...actually, I disagree with you there.
I'm the classical nerd.
I know computers, games and that's it.

An outsider during my entire school life and even if there was an attractive girl, she wouldn't even look at me.

Only after school, I naturally changed, because of the different demands the world suddenly threw at me. I adapted...and found a girl of my own.

Not in the clubs. Not on the street. (And no, not on the internet either).
I've had two hobbies in my life. Field and track (since my mother dragged me there when I was a child)...and music. I've met her in a small ensemble I'm playing in.

I've already given up on ever finding love, just like you do now...yet, love found me.
The most fatal mistake you can make is refusing it.
There are many nice girls out there. They're difficult to find, I admit...but if someone like me can find a girl, get married and be happy, then you can too.

Don't go at it too actively will only lead to frustration. Just don't refuse chances you're given. Believe it or not, they're all over the place. However, most often, we fail to see them.

Oh and you're welcome.
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